Maybe i just like fucking things up for myself, if i was able to keep my own secrets i wouldnt be in this “mess”. though mind you, its not really a mess im in. It really just means nothing at all. Nothing i do means anything at all, i mean apparently according to everyone else. I’m second best, always will be. Being second all the time is the hardest of all the places to come out of. Its not like one day i can just wake up and be on top of the world. Its something i have to work towards. Not saying i want to be 1st for everything, just for the things that really matter. To me at least. Im just sick of always being the “back up” or the “sub”. It just really aggravates me, and the people around me that actually care about me. Im not going to stop trying, because every time i try i get a little bit closer to 1st all the time. Today, i took another step. A step that could prove to be very important in my life, or one that will just turn out meaning nothing. Again. Somethings should just be left unsaid.